Just not with You

Prairie Dog
I love animals, so I love to watch nature shows. Several years ago I watched a show about prairie dogs, which focused on a particular prairie dog family. What happened next grabbed my attention. Daddy dog would go out in search of food while Mommy stayed home raising the little ones. One day, an interloper from a nearby tribe would appear when Daddy dog was out of sight. For several days, the interloper and Mommy dog stared each other down, in some sort of prairie dog game. Finally the interloper was emboldened enough to approach Mommy dog and share some of his excitement up close. Even I felt some pain for the hard-working Daddy prairie dog.

Yet, when Hollywood casts Meryl Streep as the Mommy dog and Clint Eastwood as the interloper, there will be a blockbuster movie, at least among women. How is the Bridges of Madison County different from the prairie dogs? Men, if they can get past their boredom, are shocked at the lesson taught: men think it is a duty to sacrifice for their family; women think it is laudable to “settle”. At least that is the opinion of someone we all know. I’ve seen this scenario in family therapy over and over. If it is so great for everyone, why have I seen so much pain from it?

Although I doubt Cologero has watched this movie from beginning to end, I know he hates it. He says it is absurd to think that the Eastwood character would remember a frumpy housewife more than three months later, never mind a lifetime; that is a feminine fantasy. Although my romantic heart wants to believe otherwise, he is probably right. I believe him because I suspect he is speaking from personal experience.

The way it usually happens is that the Meryl Streep character is dissatisfied and begins fantasizing about something better or more exciting. The feminine way is the path of imagination. From my studies in the psychology of sexuality, I know that sex begins in the mind, not in the body. That is the allure of women for men, to entice men into the world of maya, a seductive mind creation that hides the actual dirty details of the sex act. It breaks through logic to lead men to think in images rather than words. The addictive power of sexual imagination demonstrates the intense power of such a mode of thinking.

Cologero tells me about tulpas, which are the material creations of concentrated imagination in Tibetan Buddhism. I think I understand what he is getting at; perhaps sexuality is Tulpa Training 101. That is, in any case, how women see it. They want to be part of an imaginary construction: chivalry, jewelry, sexy boots, tango, haunted houses, rainy afternoons. That is feminine sexuality. We don’t care about your “aching balls”, a line we’ve all heard; it is too physical and we just think it’s funny. It just means you’re manipulable.

A woman wants a man who “gets her”. She feels validated when a man understands her in her interiority, and she craves it. After all, isn’t her entire sexuality interior and hidden? It is veiled and longs to be unveiled. If a man gets “in her head”, she will be willing to do anything. Then the hiddenness of her imagination can be exteriorized. Cologero has a small collection of letters from women expressing their sexual fantasies, “better than I could do,” he told me. He refuses to show me since it would break a trust. I’d love to read them—purely for professional interest, of course—but he still takes that omertà thing pretty seriously.

I know Cologero would prefer readers to use their creative imagination on something else, such as Dante’s journey perhaps. It just seems gruesome to me; I think I prefer Blake from what he told me about him. Nevertheless, my task is more mundane and practical. I think I’ve shown that there are women just waiting for you. If your personal experience is different, it is not because women don’t have a strong desire for sex. They do want sex, just not with you.

3 thoughts on “Just not with You

  1. from above piece
    “The feminine way is the path of imagination. From my studies in the psychology of sexuality, I know that sex begins in the mind, not in the body. That is the allure of women for men, to entice men into the world of maya, a seductive mind creation that hides the actual dirty details of the sex act. It breaks through logic to lead men to think in images rather than words. The addictive power of sexual imagination demonstrates the intense power of such a mode of thinking.”

    A man can wake up in the morning with a throbbing rod of iron, and then his conscious mind becomes aware of this “sex” organs announcement ? so I’m not so sure its so clearly beginning in the mind , as stated previously, i think archetypal and dream influences are the seed that stimulates the various bodies and various minds in the human being. Then in addition to that, you may enquire why sexual imagination has an addictive power ? and the answer is that because it can lead to ecstatic “embodied” experiences which lead to transcendent impulses into the staticafied mindfulness. A person knows this …(before having experienced it hence the idea that the mind is the cause ) …….at various levels of intent depending on their upbringing which seed surely must be from ancestral or present psychic influences that then announce their flowering in the bodies and mind of the human being after which they are then processed through them in a positive or negative end.
    On tulpas , interesting phenomena, but when the modern mind becomes addicted in thought and desire to a certain potential sexual partner , so that the mind intensifies the possibilities to an extent where they accelerate away from any real and live co-ordination with the potential partner , this then forms a negative condition that i have termed the “Girlusion” (patented term me circa 1993)

    Footnote – i am making up new words wherever i encounter areas of contemplation that present english just aint good enough for explaining

    Further footnote – on women explaining their sexual fantasies , how much of that is written for effect and how much is absolute honesty , its very difficult to determine, i think the only way to be sure is when a woman exercises her little fantasy on you one evening like covering you and her in baby oil or something before sex because she had always felt shiny skin was a turn on , but i would like to see those letters for “research and development ” reasons (:

  2. Pingback: I’m Just a Girl | Gornahoor

  3. Letting my mind wonder, I can think of two types of tulpa we create for ourselves: first are the fetishes and idols we make and chase after, building up our ego and letting ourselves become distracted by the ever changing maya we think is eternal. Second, though, are the forms we create which provide us opportunities to progress in the inner as well as the outer life. The idea we have of marriage (a sacrament, after all, and therefore initiatory in the Christian sense) might be one of these, along with all the imagination we lend to the interplay of the masculine and feminine in all sorts of relationships between men and women.

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